Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
