The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
