Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
