she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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