I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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