I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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