there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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