4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
