I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
