I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
