I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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