So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
