Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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