Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
