i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
