[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
