Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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