tonight lets celebrate not being married
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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