Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
