farters have to be the big spoon...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
