This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
