I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
