every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
