Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
