1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
