I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
