You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
