Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
