dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
