God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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