so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize