so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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