I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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