I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
