Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm getting married
To pizza
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
