I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I need a burrito and a hug.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
