someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
