So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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