3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
