wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
