seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
