Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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