They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
