Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
