I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
