i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
