Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
