I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
