this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
