I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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