forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
