if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
